HowTo:Be a liberal
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HOW TO BE A LIBERAL
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/HowTo:Be_a_liberal

WARNING at least 10-12 % of what is written in this article is considered

to be false. If you're allergic to the truth (if you’re a liberal in other

words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with

links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and

the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage,

injury or liberal sissy fits and anal bleeding this article may cause.

This is an ever changing guide to how to be a liberal. It is often deleted by

liberals and recreated at least twice a month, please see censorship for the

reason why. Never the same page twice. Many have asked the question of

just how does one become a liberal? This howto guide will show you how.

Contents
HOW TO BE A LIBERAL:
2 Together We Can: Raise Taxes
3 Blame Bush, WORSHIP OBAMA LIKE THE ANTI-CHRIST
4 Kill Babies
5 Reverse Discriminate with abortion, gay marriage and desegragation
6 Legalize all kinds of disgusting behavior
HOW TO BE A LIBERAL:
7 Lose Wars
8 Take Away Your Guns
9 Let Murderers Run Free
9.1 Let Poor People Be Lazy
HOW TO BE A LIBERAL:
9.2 Be Chicken-Wuzzes

HOW TO BE A LIBERAL
10 Love Terrorists
11 Let Mexicans Do Whatever They Want
12 Force Children into Failing Schools
13 Cure All Problems With Socialism
14 Let faggots get hitched
15 Let Wolves Eat Babies
16 Favor the Tort Tax
17 Persecute Christians (GENOCIDE AHEAD)
18 Let Child Molesters Be Coddled

[edit] History
How does one become a liberal, or rather how did liberalism come about?

Around 3120 BC Liberalism was invented by Alfred Dinklelberry who had

decided to use his whining and crying skills for monetary gain. He found

that if he challenged governments by hating them, calling their leaders

names, and protesting, and he wrote books, people would buy them. He

later found that he could lead others in protests where they simply chant

the same slogan over and over again until they get their way. He also found

that by playing the blame game that he could blame others for his failures

and get himself elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else,

which always works for liberals. Then if he just took up causes he did not

believe in like environmentalism, peace, socialism, and so on, he could trick

people into supporting him.

[edit] Together We Can: Raise Taxes
 
Multi-racial child for Sale!It is widely reported that the best part about

being a liberal is that one gets to do whatever one wants in the name of

equality. Since conservatives often claim that liberals hate freedom, liberals

have to come with different excuses sometimes. To properly do this, one

must write truckloads of snail mail letters on colored parchments and send

them to important and not-so-important people. Fortunately, one will not be

alone. One can join the ongoing letter writing campaign to Save the Forests

for Lynching, which has been supported by the liberal parties across the

globe for over two (2) months.

Furthermore, the stalwarts of network TV, newspapers, cable TV,

magazines, and schools assist in this War for Peace. It is their solemn duty

to advocate their personal views no matter what may come. For those sheep

following along at home, an absolute must is yelling loud enough to drown out

the annoying cries of help from Third World countries. Together liberals

can and do make a difference. If enough people yell lies about most of the

world living in poverty and despair and that so-called comedy on the BBC is

funny (just to give two examples of liberal lies), those lies will become the

truth according to liberal thinking. The same is true of blogs, if enough

people blog the same lies over and over again, they automatically become

true. So liberals like to yell and post their arguments all over the Internet

and Public, even if they are full of fallacies and are mostly fiction.

Remember to keep repeating yourself, if you want to become a good liberal.

Maybe they didn't hear you the first thousand times, so yell louder and

post it more on the Internet.

Yet another requirement for liberals is the concept of "equal-time". Liberals

want equal time, equal meaning more time than right-wingers get. In fact,

equal time to liberals means that right-wingers should be silenced and

impeached and all of the time given to liberals instead. The Psychology of

liberals and other leftists cannot be ignored, they are violent and bring

down progress.[1]

Cindy Sheehan demonstrated this technique by demanding "equal-time" for

the universally held view that this country needs to keep its troops safe (by

withdrawing them from the middle-east and keeping them home instead),

and that too much time was being spent on some storm and not enough on

her. Liberals never will have enough "equal-time," so one should organize

more marches demanding it. Nevermind the fact that Cindy Sheehan was

accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance money from their son

Casey's death [2] and that Mrs. Sheehan used the money instead to protest

the war in Iraq. All the more to get equal time, and exploit her own son's

corpse for political gain.

Lest one thinks being a liberal is all about requirements, do not be

dismayed. Liberals know that rules, regulations and requirements do not

apply to them! So, when laying down the law, rest assured everything is the

fault of the "government" who must pay. The government, after all, is evil

according to liberals. Always sending in the Police when Liberals throw riots

and break things [3], set things on fire, blow up federal buildings, kill

doctors and blow up abortion clinics. Oh those Police officers, biased

against Liberals because they broke a few laws. Those were fascist laws

anyway, and as a Liberal you have the right to ignore them. Luckily if

you're a liberal, like Paul Hill and you blow up an abortion clinic or a liberal

like Timothy McVeigh and you blow up a government daycare center with

infants and children in them or a back to Earth liberal hippie like the

Unabomber and you blow up computer stores you're labeled as an "American

hero".

Liberals are always against capital punishment (even for terrorists, it has

been reported that Bin Laden is registered Democrat), especially when the

person being killed wants to be killed, and will be labeled a "martyr" by the

religious left for dying (think Paul Hill, Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber -

you know, the liberal terrorists), and are always looking to reduce the

sentences of criminals and let them out of jail early, because most criminals

are liberals anyway. You are not a very good Liberal unless you have been

arrested at least a dozen times. Illicit Drug laws are to be ignored anyway,

because Liberals are always trying to legalize illicit drugs like LSD and

Barney the Dinosaur. That is one way that they raise money for political

needs, selling weed, crack, Meth, cocaine, and Kittens. Although they keep

most of the money for themselves they sometimes give part of the

proceeds from their drug deals to murderous South American terrorists.

Luckily the liberal media never pays too much attention to actions like this.

Incidentally, due to past yelling(at Ann Coulter) and equal-time marches,

liberals have never heard of certain historical figures that no one really

wants to consort with including: Augusto Pinochet, Moammar Kadhafi,

Slobodan Miloševic, Saddam Hussein (except when the Democratic president

Bill Clinton dealt with him of course), Josef Stalin (except during WWII),

Kim Jong Il, and Porky the Pig. People liberals keep pictures of in their

wallets include: Hugh Hefner, Paris Hilton, and Jose Canseco.

[edit] Blame Bush
How could you be a liberal without blaming Bush? Did an insurgent kill an

American soldier? Blame Bush. Did the earth warm up .75 degrees Celsius?

Blame Bush. Did some other liberal do something wrong? Blame Bush. Is

your coffee too hot? Blame Bush. Did you waste your life and not go to

college or instead decided to earn a liberal arts degree and kept making bad

career choices your whole life and ended up working in a fast food store or

as a clerk in a discount store? Blame Bush! Are you blamed for blaming

Bush? Blame Bush.

You can have a lot of creativity with this. You can blame Bush for anything,

even things that didn't happen. You can blame Bush for murdering Clinton,

for example. You can even blame Bush for everything that Clinton did when

he was in the White House like ruin the economy and cause large

unemployment rates before Bush even took office. And make sure you have

two articles in two different newspapers/internet news sites. This way, the

newspapers can cite each other. This is called a liberal circle jerk when the

liberal media cites another liberal media as a source. Make sure you use it

often.

Headlines and articles blaming Bush should be VERY frequent. Like the

headline: "THIS JUST IN: WE HATE BUSH!!!!!" or "BUSH HAS KILLED

ABOUT 400,000,000,000,000,000 PEOPLE IN IRAQ!!!" or "IMPEACH BUSH

FOR RAPING MY DOG" or "BUSH PERSONALLY CAUSED HURRICANE

KATRINA WITH A WEATHER CONTROL DEVICE FROM THE CIA!" or

something along those lines. As said before, it doesn't need to be true.

Remember you are a liberal, as long as it feels good for you to say, it does

not have to be true. If other liberals agree with you, then it must be true!

Why let facts and evidence stand in your way when the public will believe

opinions and viewpoints over them that you post in your countless blogs, and

Smear websites.

[edit] Kill Babies
 
Cut Logic Out From quadrant 30Oscar Wilde once said, "Liberals not only

avoid logic, they detest it". Bob the Builder replied, "The very act of

liberalism defies logic!"

A key talking point is with gun control. Liberals must argue to the death

that no one--even the military--should have guns because, guns kill little

children. "Only police officers can be trusted to have guns, but not Tasers" hind you, so the police know how to find you

should you forget how to contact them from fear paralysis.

Fortunately, Dr. Howard Dean is anticipated to unveil his latest

"Hhaaarumph!" discovery within his primary field of Phrenology, the study

of avoidance of logic. A high ranking Democratic official who requested not

to be identified more specifically than as an informant within the Great

High Circle of Democrats stated with authority that, "Dr. Dean will unveil

his latest "Hhaaarumph!" discovery on the four (4) year anniversary of his

notorious Squeal speech, and during his next presidential campaign." The

discovery may identify which sector one should cut the logic out of--

rumored to be quadrant 30 or 35 (see diagram for reference). Dr. Dean's

test subjects include Rev. Jesse Jackson, former President Bill Clinton,

staunch steriod-conspiracist ex-Cuban Rafael Palmeiro and Lindsay Lohan.

[edit] Reverse Discriminate with abortion, gay marriage and desegragation
 
White Skin, Black HeartThe best liberal to be is the one that is in the

United States and white skinned. Over-reporting by the conservative

shadow elements concludes that slaves were freed by Lincoln, a conservative

Republican. What those shadowy reports fail to mention is that liberal

Democrats opposed Lincoln's measure overwhelmingly. In fact, 100% of

white-skinned US registered Democrats and 3/4 of black-skinned US non-

convicted felons (due to the Missouri Compromise) still oppose that dirty

conservative tactic. Yet, the old Democratic Party represented the south

and the Republicans represented the north. 87% of Analysts agree it is the

same now. The Bush Administration employs more minorities than The

Clinton Administration did and even promotes minorities to top level positions

in government. This proves that Democrats are more racist than

Republicans.

Since World War II, the liberal party in the United States has diligently

enlightened the poverty-stricken class to think that a higher minimum wage

will result in an increased standard of living. This is nothing like use of a

carrot to ensure a mule will plow a field. John Keynes (tall, old, economist)

when asked to comment and prove his theory said, "I'll show you a plow!"

This author then chose to flee.

No reputable economists could possibly agree with the conservative (read:

Anti-Liberal) position that a higher minimum wage, decreases the standard

of living for those earning the minimum wage by increasing the cost of basic

goods and services. Like anyone would believe that increasing the salary of

employees will increase expenses of a corporation, forcing them to raise the

costs of goods and services to compensate? Liberal accounting uses new

math and states that raising expenses does not cut into profits if you found

a few dummy corporations and list the expenses as investments and assets

in the dummy corporations. The liberal view is that the person earning

minimum wage should be put on a socialist program and live off of the

government at a rate of $50,000USD a year in welfare funded by taxing

people who make under $50,000USD a year at real jobs. Should any

reputable economist attempt to disagree with this liberal economic theory,

liberals worldwide are instructed to discredit him/her with photos of him or

her having sex with someone or something. That is how demand-side

economics ie socialism really works.

 Legalize all kinds of disgusting behavior
 
Caught You!
Democratic corruption does not count. Only Republican corruption counts.The

rule here is simple: "What liberals do on their time is fine, times nine."

Quote taken courtesy of Liberal Tax Deduction Schemes: Chapter 14:

Multiply deduction by nine".

Remember that the public has a short-memory, so if you accuse

Conservatives of doing something, the public will forget that your party did

it last year, or a decade ago, or up to fifty years ago. You are not a

hypocrite if the public forgets your misdeeds and your accuse Conservatives

of the same misdeeds. Remember that Liberal corruption does not count,

but Conservative or Neocon corruption counts plus eleven billion times.

Bill Clinton says Iraq has WMDs [4] in 1998 and attacks, George W. Bush

says Iraq has WMD in 2003 and attacks.

Bill Clinton takes money [5] from oil companies and the price of oil goes up

[6], George W. Bush takes money from oil companies and the price of oil

goes up.

Ted Kennedy gets drunk, takes drugs and runs over people with his car

afterward. Rush Limbaugh gets drunk, takes drugs and smuggles viagra into

international airports.

Bill Clinton has warrantless wiretaps [7] in 2000, and George W. Bush has

them after 911.

Lose Wars
 
Liberal Leader thinking about teaching constituent (pictured: foreground) to

readWhen Conservatives attempted to gasp teach inner city children and

adults to read, Liberals went berserk. This was obviously a racist attempt

to say those people didn't know how to read. To add insult to injury, how

will the mindless masses keep voting liberal wink-wink if they can read about

what we's done?

Hmm.

It is better if Liberal teachers do not teach children how to read, but

rather teach them how to be Liberals instead. That way they can listen to

Liberal leaders and agree with them and vote for them because they

wouldn't know any better, never learning how the real world works and how

to read to figure things out. In fact, when teaching history, let us blame all

of the world's problems on anyone of European descent who isn't a liberal

(Example: Christopher Columbus, the American pioneers and the Founding

Fathers) and ignore the bad things that liberals have done as well. We need

ignorant voters who believe anything we tell them to believe, and that way

we can win election after election.

Take Away Your Guns
Tip
Find ways around the laws. Always claim to be innocent when caught.
Ted Kennedy had a problem. He had a pregnant girlfriend. She did not want

an abortion and wanted to marry him. It was quite simple using the liberal

method of thinking. Abortion was against the law back then, and murder is

against the law as well. Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a

creek in Chappaquiddick [8] and then jumped out of the car before it sank

into the bottom of the creek. Wink wink, we know better, don't we? He

committed a trifecta: aborted the baby; murdered his girlfriend; and got

money for it from his car insurance company. His liberal supporters then

rewarded him by making him a US Senator for life. He got a reduced

sentence from a liberal judge, and despite being an ex-con, is now

considered to be very moral and ethical and justified his actions in

Chappaquiddick with a speech. If a Conservative did the same thing, they

would have gotten the death sentence or 30 to life. But Liberals have a

smooth way of talking and giving speeches to get away with things. Just

make up a story like Ted Kennedy did, you weren't drunk despite driving

home from a party where other people could have swore you won a drinking

contest, it was an accident despite you having no memory of how it

happened, and that you nearly died in the process. See how easy it is to

tell a creative story, than admit to the truth?

Let Murderers Run Free
 
Hillary Clinton is the mastermind behind Soylent Green.This is a very easy

and commonly used tactic by liberal senator John Kerry. Heck, he wrote the

book on waffling. He would flip on this issue and then on that issue. The

only problem is that you HAVE to marry a crazed, rich, ketchup-monkey

for all her dough and use it to gain access to the US Senate. Good, That

should have been easy. Well, the brilliant minds at Jibjab.com [9] have the

right idea in their short called "This Land". All there is to it is to stand up

and, using three signs, each entitled "Yes","No" and "Maybe", and pull up

any card, even at random. Good! This can and will work. You have my

blessings to do this with every senator who asks you a question. Oh, and

support the troops by voting for giving soldiers body armor, tank armor,

humvee armor, heck, any armor, then flip and vote against it. Oh and to

top it all off, blame it on Bush. Of course it is Bush's fault because of

your decision.

Tip
Pandering or flip-flopping is a good idea. Go with the polls.
Hillary Clinton often cannot make up her mind. Sometimes she acts like a

Conservative and other times as a Liberal. She gets that from her husband

Bill who is known as a Liberal and a Conservative because he is two-faced.

First she was a Cubs fan, and then a Yankees fan. First she was a woman

and then she was a man. She wrote a book on healthcare, and then voted

down the bills based on her book's suggestions.

The fact is that liberals blame conservatives and Bush for everything,

including oil prices, and keep the well-unknown secret that the Saudis own

1/4 of the oil, and have us at their fingertips. It happened in the 1970's,

1980's and is currently happening again. Don't point that out, but do point

out that Bush shakes each kings' hands. Thank you Michael Moore for

making this possible. The guns at Columbine weren't illegal. Of course not.

Impossible. The man is beautiful, treats his body as a temple and writes

amazing Golden Globe speeches. Alex Jones made a lot of movies and songs

on the liberal viewpoints that avoid logic and appeal to emotions, trust him,

over other journalists and entertainers who actually have credibility. I would

also like to thank the commies including Che, who, men just like him tried to

starve people into becoming commies too. Killing innocent men, women and

children. Blame it on Pinochet. (This happened in Chile.) Pay no attention to

that man behind the curtain! Saddam Hussein was a fine upstanding secular

humanist who ran one of the world's most perfect Democracies, until

George W. Bush and the Republicans came along and ruined things by

invading Iraq and toppling the Government and forcing Saddam to face trials

for his crimes against humanity. That is not as important as US Troops

being killed by terrorists freedom fighters. Osama bin Laden is in tourism

not terrorism so let us just appease him, and cut and run, and give him

some land in the middle-east and leave him alone.

[edit] Let Poor People Be Lazy
35 years ago, Liberals ran the street screaming "global cooling! global

cooling!" Today they scream global warming. This is a classic example of the

flip-flop mind of a liberal. It used to be aerosol cans that were evil, now it

is the oil companies that are evil.

Gay marriage, John Kerry is a classic example of this, during the 2004

Presidential campaign John Kerry said he was for gay marriage in

Massachusetts and then when he campaigned in Missouri he said he was

against gay marriage.

Many liberals voted for the Iraqi war, and now they vote against it. Voting

down bills for body armor and funding to train Iraqis to take over for US

Troops. Now they just have a plan of "cut and run".

As a liberal, you can always blame your decisions on conservatives because

they lied to you or forced you to vote for something you didn't want to

vote for in the first place.

[edit] Be Chicken-Wuzzes
Learn the dialectic [10] and become a Liberal, thru liberal-speak!

Think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or anyone else that tends to use words

with excess syllables. Practice aloud--I say, "How are you?"--you say,

"Extra-orda-nin-tat-ious!" Or, I say, "How do you feel about mandatory

affirmative action minority interviewing requirements?"--you say, "Abso-

ma-lutely, affirmable, as an accidental alibi fortituously found by the

hooker behind the crackpipe!"

Presentation and panache is what you are seeking my liberal sheep of many

colors.

Furthermore, you must take all efforts to avoid being tied down to a

singular position. Life is multi-faceted, so every issue may have new

considerations, so you must be able to explain why, for example, it is

permissible to cheat on one's wife, but then run a negative campaign (the

next term) exposing one's opponent for marital infidelity.

When perfected, you can be constantly inconsistent like the Democratic

Party, not inconsistently inconsistent like John Kerry. This constant

inconsistency, called "liberal flip-flopping", may allow your party to win the

Presidential election! (Listen to this one, liberals, and win in 2008!)

[edit] Love Terrorists
Tip
When protesting always bring friends with you to help out.
Protesting is easy, just chant the same slogans over and over again until you

get what you want. Make sure that you burn your nation's flag, and burn a

straw dummy of your nation's leader in his/her place. If you do not still get

your way, convince others to riot. Say that doing these things makes you a

patriot.

If it makes you a celebrity and you no longer have to sweat it out at the

protests, so much the better. (See Cindy Sheehan).

If you attend a private school and some Neocon of a Dean says you must

say the pledge of allegiance [11], please use the Uncyclopedia Village Dump

to seek legal advice and sue the Dean and the School for being Neocons.

That way you can bring the protest to Liberal Wiki sites like Uncyclopedia

and express your freedom of speech. After all, Uncyclopedia is here for

you, just like Dear Abby and Oprah are to listen to your whiny complaints

and solve your problems for you. Together we, as Liberals, can protest

private high schools that you signed a contract with to take away your

rights and freedoms, and we can protest that on the Internet.

Try big fires, it gets even more attention.

[edit] Let Mexicans Do Whatever They Want
Tip
Always blame conservatives, always.
Use the filibuster as much as you can when the other party has a majority

[12]. If they try to pass a bill you agree with like alternative energy,

filibuster it and vote against it. Then when election comes up later, claim

the other party did nothing to help the people. When the other party

claims that you voted against every bill on the table, say that you could not

compromise the environment, freedoms, liberty, ect. and ignore that

lobbyists were putting money in your pockets to kill the bill. Always blame

the Republicans for your own misdeeds. After all, one liberal made the claim

"And so when I filibustered 14 hours and 13 minutes in 1964 I never got

off the germaneness of the subject.", since the US Taxpayers are paying

your salary, might as well waste their time and hold up progress. Read

from a phone book, quote the complete works of Shakespeare, talk about

pot or liquor, anything not relating to the bill in question that you are trying

to filibuster.

Popular bills that liberals have voted down:

Social Security reform
Health care reform
Removal of eminent domains laws
Tax breaks
Bills to cut spending and create a budget surplus
Pork Projects liberals have added to bills:

Paving highways in wealthy cities
Studies of cow farts
Study of the study of the study of political polls conducted by third parties

they have paid off
Federal contracts they get kickbacks from
Funding for sports stadiums
Or you can vote Republican, hope they screw it up, and win all the popular

vote for the 2008 election.

[edit] Force Children into Failing Schools
 
Read this book to learn how to create political blogs, newspaper articles and

news stories.
Let the whole world know that you are right, and everyone else is

wrong.Always appear on talk shows and news programs and constantly attack

the other party. Try to justify your position and ignore the fact that

you've done the same things you accuse the other person of doing. Say that

you are telling the truth, and that the righties are lying again and trying to

cover up their crimes. Tip
Write with your emotions, do not use logic.
Create a blog, link to news media articles of other liberals slamming the

other party as proof of your points of view and opinions. The right-wingers

don't bother to blog because they are too busy trying to come up with new

ideas for laws and bills. Don't waste your time on new laws and bills, just

shoot them down and whine and complain about them. Encourage other

liberals to blog as well. Create more blogs, and even write newspaper

articles, and news stories. Submit them to the media, and threaten to

boycott them if they don't publish them.




[edit] Cure All Problems With Socialism
Tip
Teachers, never teach the subject you are paid to teach, always teach

liberalism instead.
 
The virtues of the loving and ancient, eastern Communists are good fodder

for young brainwashing subjects.Liberal teachers must never teach the

subject they are hired to teach. Instead, they must indoctrinate the youth

into the liberal point of view [13]. Proper liberal teaching subjects (all

ages):

It's not your fault.....blame the government, it is all their fault anyway.

Criticise conservatives in every level of government at every chance you get.

If nothing has happened lately, make up a story about the highest ranking

Republican by saying he/she *lied* to the public recently.
Oppose your country's refusal to change its economic system...If your

nation uses capitalism, support communism. If your nation uses communism,

support capitalism. Brainwashing the youth that constant change is

necessary will give liberals more control.
It's still not your fault.....blame 'the system.' Teach the youth to never

take responsibility for their actions, hold the other party responsible, but

never yourselves. Teach them to drop out of school, take drugs, and listen

to music and watch movies instead. The more ignorant you make them, the

easier they are to control. No one likes someone who holds them

accountable.
[edit] Let faggots get hitched
 
Sensing a threat, Clinton becomes aggressive. Wallace, frozen with terror,

can only watch helplessly as Clinton's fangs carve into his hide.If you are

ever asked to do an interview on TV, attack the interviewer and his news

network [14] and accuse conservatives of putting up a "hit" on you. The

more upset you get, the more publicity you can get for your global summit

or other pollitical rally. Remember as a liberal you are supposed to think

with your emotions like anger. It is OK to attack someone else who is not a

liberal, but anyone who attacks you is being unethical, esp if they are not a

liberal or don't agree with your views. Remember to hold non-liberals to a

set of ethics and morals that you yourself do not hold or follow. As a

liberal, you have the right and freedoms to not follow any set of ethics or

morals. Basically you can do whatever you want to do, and get away with it.

Including attacking a news reporter and their news network. If the non-

liberals point out your attack, claim that you were provoked and that

conservatives set the whole thing up. That news companies are being unfair

because they reported your "attack" but not the information you gave them.

Remember, you sold your soul to have a set of fangs as a liberal, so use

them to your best advantage. As a card-carring worshipper of Moloch you

have the right to eat any reporter who asks a question that you do not like.

Opposed to the Neocons waging war in a nation like Iraq? Well get angry

and blame the US troops [15] and be sure to belittle them. Nothing makes

you a real Liberal more than doing personal attacks on the US military who

are trying to serve their nation. Justify it by saying it is an unjust war,

and that the US Troops are terrorists and war criminals. Especially if you

won three purple hearts like John Kerry and admitted to being stuck in

Vietnam and doing stupid things like killing civilians [16] and committing war

crimes himself. Yet since Kerry is a liberal, we let him off the hook, but

keep the Neocons guilty of the same charges.

[edit] Let Wolves Eat Babies
Tip
Anything you don't agree with, you have a right to censor it.
Always support articles that show the liberal or left-wing point of view. If

any articles are showing a right-wing point of view, vandalize them, or vote

for them to be deleted. Vote for quick deletion is best, but NRV if you can

as well. In fact, vote for this page to be deleted, so nobody ever learns

the truth of how to be a liberal. That way we can all keep a secret. When

you find an article on Uncyclopedia making fun of liberals be sure to say

that it is all lies or something, vandalize it so it is not funny and gets

deleted.

In fact, find articles on Uncyclopedia that mock liberals and edit them to

mock conservatives. Like this very article itself. Don't even let the other

side get a chance to mock liberals, when you can get into an edit war and

change the articles to mock conservatives instead.

[edit] Favor the Tort Tax
Tip
Never admit the truth, be creative in your lies.
Remember that telling the truth can hurt the liberal cause. Always put a

spin on things, be creative. Compare right-wing leaders to Hitler (by

pointing out the he was a devout Christian for example like FDR and Harry

S. Truman were), invoke Godwin if you must. Be sure to believe your own

lies and make others believe them as well. If you write a ton of blogs under

false names, everyone will see that hundreds of bloggers agree on the same

subject. If it is on the Internet it must be true and indeed it often is true!

If you must cite something, please cite some of the countless liberal biased

smear web sites out there designed for just that sort of thing, because if

it is on the Internet it must be true especially if it was written by and peer

reviewed by Liberals like you and me! This is also the way that science

works, by having other scientists that share the same biases as you peer

reviewing your crackpot theory, it automatically becomes true. It pays to

keep a list of contacts from your college and liberal meeting places to call in

a favor and peer review your work for you. Together we can help combat

the Conservative Neocon menance using liberal truths in this fashion,

because only liberal truths matter and nothing else does.

[edit] Persecute Christians
Tip
Don't support religion, oppose it.
 
Jesus supports George W. Bush but not you.You are better off without it.

The right-wingers have religion that they use for their side, you are better

off opposing religion. Call it seperation of church and state. Attack religion,

except for the Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition which you should always

read. Be sure to call the righties as religious zealots, and campaign against

judges they try to appoint for holding religous views. Remove all symbols of

religion from public view. Discriminate against religous people in the name of

seperation of church and state. You are sure to be a liberal if you do these

things and you feel superior to most every conservative.

[edit] Let Child Molesters Be Coddled
Tip
Always revise history to show your side as innocent and the conservatives

as guilty.
Why should Conservatives have all the fun when it comes to war? Liberals

have wars too, but deny starting wars, or blame it all on Conservatives.

Remember to criticize the Conservatives for Gitmo and ignore that Liberal

Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt[17] issued Executive Order 9066 during

World War II that put Japanese-Americans into concentration camps and

many died as a result. Blame the Republicans for Gitmo, but deny that

Executive Order 9066 ever happened. Nope, the USA never had

concentration camps under the Democrats, it never happened. If someone

calls you on it, be sure to blame Conservatives for something to distract

them. Ignore that no Japanese-American had any evidence on them that

they were doing domestic spying and sabotage and other charges that FDR

and the Democrats accused them of to justify putting them in concentration

camps. True to form, the Nazi Germans were murdering millions of Jewish

people in concentration camps, and Franklin D. Roosevelt being the kind and

just liberal that he was, decided not to get involved. Not until Pearl Harbor

was attacked by the Japanese, and then FDR decided to put Japanese-

Americans in concentration camps because it was the liberal thing to do at

the time. Apparently liberals at the time did not care about people being

put into concentration camps, any more than they did when Saddam was

murdering Kurds in concentration camps in Iraq in modern times. FDR gave

us the New Deal and did none of these things.

Harry S. Truman took over and lead the Liberals to another Presidency

after FDR died. He helped end World War II by dropping Hydrogen bombs

on Japan, but blame Conservatives for that anyway. Truman lead the USA

to war with Korea and had a policy of Kill them all [18] because the only

good Korean was a dead Korean because even refugees are Commies that

deserve to die. As a Liberal make sure to blame this on Conservatives as

well, and change the subject to Iraq or Afghanistan where people were

captured and put into Gitmo instead of killed, but say that they were all

killed instead.

After JFK was assassinated, LBJ took over as President. He claimed that

the Commies were at it again and there was a Domino theory that if

Vietnam was taken over by Commies that it would spread to Laos, Thailand,

Burma, and other nations. He made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we

need to learn from [19] Make sure to blame the Conservatives for the My

Lai Massacre and not the modern Liberal Democrat LBJ. Ignore that LBJ

lied about the reasons to go to war, but please do tell that Conservative

George W. Bush lied to go to war with Iraq. Nope, no Liberal would ever

lie about the reasons to go to war. Be sure to tell that the nude torture in

the Abu Ghraib jail is a lot worse than the My Lai Massacre, which wasn't

LBJ's fault either even if the troops were acting on his orders as

Commander in Chief. LBJ created the Great Society, and did none of these

things.

After trying to recover from a failed Impeachment attempt, Bill Clinton

starts his own war on terror to take out Osama bin Laden. Only Clinton

seems to think that Osama is in the pharmaceutical business [20] and bombs

an aspirin factory[21]. Well at least those terrorists won't have a cure for

headaches for a while. Clinton claimed that the plant and other targets he

attacked had WMDs in them, despite no evidence found that they did have

WMDs or any connection of the factory owner to bin Laden or any terrorist

network. Remember that there are two versions of Bill Clinton because he is

two-faced, the one that bombed the aspirin factory and other places that

had no WMDs, and failed to kill or capture Osama bin Laden is a

Conservative Neocon Republican, the one that is peaceful and wants to bring

about world peace is a Liberal Democrat. Neocon Bill Clinton, keeping the

world safe from terrorist aspirin factories.

In fact, never admit that Liberals lead the nation to war, or did any of

these things, and be sure to blame conservatives for them anyway. Liberals

are peaceful people and do not act this way at all. ASK WHITE HOUSE

STAFF ABOUT HILLARY!

References
Truthful facts from liberal news web sites used in this Howto article:

? The Psychology of leftists
? Cindy Sheehan was accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance

money from their son Casey's death
? Liberals throw riots and break things
? Clinton says Iraq has WMDs
? Clinton takes money from oil company and agrees to let them do business

after making deals with Iran illegally
? The price of oil goes up under Clinton
? Clinton supports warrantless wiretaps
? Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a creek in

Chappaquiddick
? Our Land Jibjab.com
? Marxian dialectics used by Liberals
? Liberal teenager complains about a private High School Dean disciplining

him for not saying the pledge of allegiance
? Liberals abuse the filibuster as much as they can when the other party

has a majority
? the youth into the liberal point of view
? President Clinton Eats Fox News's Chris Wallace Alive, Spits Out The

Bones
? Kerry belittles US Troops, calls them stupid and stuck in Iraq
? John Kerry admits to Vietnam war crimes he and his men committed
? Liberal Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt orders Japanese-Americans into

concentration camps to die
? Harry S. Truman say Kill all Koreans
? LBJ made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we need to learn from
? Clinton thinks Osama is in the pharmaceutical business
? Clinton bombs an aspirin factory

 This article is an embarrassing and pathetic attempt at Conservative

humor. Unlike the How to be a Conservative article, which is full of lies and

links to smear web sites (like Wikipedia which is proven to be edited and

proofread by Conservatives and is often inaccurate), this article is truthful

and contains references to mostly liberal citations like the BBC, and PBS.

That is not acceptable and not funny, because they are true facts.  
 
 This article is likely to be pwnt by American liberals. I suggest you run like

hell or play some Civilization IV before it pwns you too.  

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